2019 Lessons Learned

Can you guys believe that 2019 is almost over? I know it sounds cliché but this year literally flew by. I have to admit that I am so ready to welcome 2020. 2019 has been one of the toughest years I have had in a really long time.  This year has been filled with some ups, lots of downs, heartbreak, change, growth, evolution, and as a result of all of those things it has been a year filled with lessons learned. I believe that sharing is caring so I wanted to share with you the lessons that I have learned this year.  

1. Everyone won’t have a heart like you. This year I learned that just because I treat other people well does not guarantee that they will treat me the same way in return. I used to naively think that if I was good to people, they would be good to me. Not true. My boxing trainer Randy told me once after a session that people are not obligated to do anything for you or even treat you well. It would be nice if they did but they don’t have to. I really felt that this year. People can and will switch up on you. It sucks and man does it hurt but it showed me them. I needed that.  I needed to see them. The important thing is that I didn’t allow the hurt to cause me to switch up. I remained who I was despite how I was treated. I’m proud of myself for that because it takes strength and it’s not easy to do. I’m not saying stick around and allow people to mistreat you. It is perfectly fine to walk away but just don’t let the actions of others make you be someone you’re not.
2. Recognize who/what is a safe space. I believe that things such as love, trust, time, and vulnerability are all beautiful. What I learned this year though is that not everyone is deserving of these things from me. I learned that these things should not be freely given away unless someone has shown that I have a safe space to do so. I got my heart broken this year and I blamed so much on the heartbreaker but what I had to come to realize is that with the exception of the first few months of us dating, he did not provide a safe space for me to give him these things. Yet I gave them anyway. That is on me. He was unreliable, I was not a priority to him, and he changed his mind about us so many times I lost count. It was a legit roller coaster for 2 years. Yet I still gave and gave. I have to take responsibility for that. Does that make him a not so great person? Sure it does and that is something he has to live with. But the harsh reality is that he couldn’t take what I did not freely give.
3. Be yourself.  I am wonderfully made. God saw that the world needed one of me so he made me. How dope is that? So, why would I want to be anyone but who I am? If I am not accepted by people for being who I am then those are not my people. My people will accept and love me for me. Find your people.
4. If they wanted to they would. I found myself making excuses for people most of the year. “They’re too busy. They’re focused on their career. They really don’t have time.”  But I realized that it really doesn’t matter who “they” are and what “it” is, most of the time if they wanted to they would. Simple as that. Now I know there are situations that we all encounter where we really want to and we just can’t. I’m not talking about those times. I’m not even saying that someone not wanting to is a bad thing. People choose not to for a myriad of reasons but at the end of the day they have a choice and the reality is that if they really, really wanted to they would. I have never in my life been as busy as I am right now in this season but if I really want to do something (and don’t already have plans) I’ll do it. Let me give you an example. The boxing gym that I used to train at had a Christmas party on a Sunday night. I moved to Charlotte which is 2.5 hours away from the city the gym is in but I wanted to go to this party. So I went. I drove 2.5 hours to Raleigh the day of the party, got a hotel room, went to the party that night, got up the next morning and drove 2.5 hours back to Charlotte, unpacked, repacked, and drove to the airport and jumped on a flight to Columbus, Ohio. As I write this blog I still have not been back home yet. Am I tired? Yes I am. But it was worth it because attending the party was important to me. I’ve dated guys that didn’t keep their word, put everyone and everything before me, and were “too tired and too busy.” I used to make excuses for them but making excuses did not serve me well. So when people can’t or won’t, don’t make excuses for them. Just accept it for what it is. They chose not to. When you start making excuses it can be a slippery slope towards one-sidedness.
5. I can. I am by far my worst critic. I usually think “I can’t.” I can’t do this job. I can’t write this blog. I can’t get over this heartbreak, I can’t make it through this season, or I can’t handle this. I doubt myself more than I care to admit. But what I found this year is that actually I can. Earlier this year I got a tattoo that says “Chosen” but failed to remember why I got it in the first place. I am chosen for anything that I face whether it’s good or bad. So if I am “chosen” that means I can handle it. I’m built for this. No matter how hard it is, I can and I will.
6. Manifestation is real. Back in October I attended an event in Atlanta. Necole Kane of xoNecole was on the panel. I was standing around after the event talking to some people about my blog. I told them that I wanted to write for xoNecole. I turned around and Necole was standing right behind me. I hate bothering celebrities (yes sis you are a celebrity) but the words had literally just come out of my mouth and she was standing right there. I introduced myself and told her about my blog. We only talked about it for a few seconds but we ended up talking about life and dating for close to 30 minutes. I told my friend Rachelle and she said “You’re going to write for her site.” My initial response was “Yeah right.” My friend was like, “No you are. Just watch.” So I started saying it too and I believed it.  A little over a month later, I wrote a blog post for xoNecole. Manifestation is real. Say it, believe it, do the work and then see what happens.
7. I have to live/operate in a way that says I really believe I deserve what I say I deserve. I am constantly telling my family and friends what I deserve. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be chose, I deserve to be in a good relationship, I deserve a certain salary, and on and on. But this year I had to be real with myself and admit that I was not always behaving in a way that said that I truly believed I deserved these things. I say I deserve to be in a great relationship so why have I accepted this “situationship” for so long? I say I deserve a certain salary so why haven’t I put in the work to find a job that is willing to pay me that salary? If you want different you have to move different. How can I expect anyone to give me what I want if I don’t even believe I should have it?
8. It’s ok to put me first. I learned that if I don’t put me first, no one else will. Most people think that is selfish but I don’t. It’s really the best thing that you can do for yourself. Putting yourself first does not mean that you don’t help others but I firmly believe that you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself first. What is one of the first things they tell you when you get on a plane? Put your oxygen mask on before assisting others. If people see you don’t even love or care for you, what makes you think they will?
9. Boundaries. I learned the importance of setting boundaries this year. Check out my blog about boundaries here.
10. Just say no. That’s it. Just no. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. No seriously “no” is a complete sentence. I don’t like telling people no. But on the rare occasions that I would say no I used to feel the need to over explain. I learned this year that all I really need to say is “no.” If I feel like I want to offer an explanation than I will but I have learned that I am not required to give one even if people expect me to.

So that’s it. Those are the top 10 lessons that I learned this year. I learned much more but those are the biggest takeaways of 2019 for me. It was so important to me to sit and reflect on 2019 because I realized that 2020 will be no different than 2019 if I’m not different. So here’s to moving different in 2020.  What are some of the things you learned this year?