Unapologetically Dope

For my very first blog post I decided to use one of the rare selfies that you will see on this blog. I love this picture that I took of myself because of the message on my shirt. I got this cool shirt from a company called Power In Black. They have great statement tees so you should definitely check them out! You would think that someone who purchased and proudly wears a shirt that says, “Unapologetically Dope” never had an issue allowing her light to shine. Well, unfortunately that couldn’t be further from the truth.  I was until very recently guilty of dimming my light because I was afraid of what people would say about me if I didn’t.

I grew up in a very small town. I mean very small. Everyone knew everyone. Likewise, my high school was also very small. I’m talking less than 40 people in my senior class small. Anyway, when you grow up in a small town like that everything you do (good or bad) seems magnified. And it seemed that no matter what I did I was talked about. While I had a lot of friends I also had my fair share of foes. Why you ask? Back then I honestly had no idea. I was nice to people. I treated people kind. I didn’t pick on or bully people. But, no matter what I did or didn’t do the common theme was that I thought I was better than everyone which could not be further from the truth.

My parents bought me a new car while I was in high school and because of this I thought I was “all that.” My parents bought me new clothes and shoes and I thought I was “cute.” I got pretty good grades all throughout school and I thought I was smarter than everyone else. And on, and on, and on it went. Ya’ll.. people had issues with my hair (if I let it grow long I thought I was cute but the one time I cut it all off I was bald headed). People had issues with who I dated, what I wore, how I talked, what I drove, and even my body. I was very skinny when I was high school (despite the fact that I ate like a grown man). I cannot count the number of times my body was discussed (“she has no butt, she has no boobs, she has skinny legs”). Those narratives were the catalyst for some of the insecurities I still struggle with to this day. When it got to be too much I would pretend I was sick so that I could stay home from school just to get a small reprieve. But let me clarify, for every person who was mean or didn’t like me there were twice as many people that loved me (I was Homecoming Queen okurrrr). And for those amazing souls I will forever be grateful. Sometimes the voice of a few negative people can seem so much louder than the voices of many positive people. My advice today for that skinny little teenage girl would be to focus on the positive and ignore the negative. It’s important to note that as an adult I am now friends with a lot of those people from high school that had issues with me which is so dope.

As I got older I began to think about high school and why I had some of those issues. I learned that hurt people, hurt people. I had to admit that there were certain things about me, who I was, how I carried myself, where I came from, and what I looked like that tapped into insecurities that people already had about themselves. I was honest with myself about some of the times that I felt insecure when I was around certain people. And while I was never mean to these people, the feeling was there just the same. Once I came to this realization I decided I didn’t want to stand out or cause anyway to feel insecure ever again. So, I began to dim my own light. Sometimes I would have something funny to say or an amazing solution to a problem and I wouldn’t speak up because I didn’t want people to think I was trying to be the center of attention. Sometimes I wanted to wear certain outfits but would tone them down because I didn’t want to “steal the show” or be overdressed. I would only be my true self around people I was very close to. I wouldn’t wear clothes that brought attention to things that people complimented me on. I only let my hair grow until about shoulder length before I would chop it off for a bob. One day I looked up and I barely recognized myself. I had dimmed my own light for so long that I didn’t even really know who I was anymore and I wasn’t happy. I realized that everything that I did, wore, and said was so calculated that I forgot how to just be free and be myself.

Once I had that “a-ha” moment, I made some changes appearance wise that were more true to who I really am. I’ll get into that in another blog. But I had not really began to look at who I really was at the core and make changes there, where it really mattered. Until someone recently asked me “why are you so afraid to let the world see how amazing you are?” That hit me hard ya’ll. Subconsciously I was still dimming my light. Sure on the outside I made changes that got back to me. But, I was still holding back and this person knew it. I know how it feels to have insecurities so the last thing I wanted to do was be the cause of someone feeling insecure. So, I found myself holding back in an attempt to make people feel better. But I recently learned that working through and getting past our insecurities is our responsibility and no one else’s. If I don’t like my body that doesn’t mean that the woman next to me who loves her body should cover up to make me feel better. See how crazy that sounds? lol But, that is exactly what I was doing. Notice I said “was” as in past tense. Because no more. No more dimming my light. We all have a light and we all are amazing in our own ways and we shouldn’t hide that. We only get one chance to live and I don’t want to have any regrets when it’s my time to go. So, you guys promise me that you will let your light shine, be great, and unapologetically dope! And if someone says, “she thinks she’s all that” you tell them, “why yes..yes I do.”