I came across this article on Psychology Today not long ago titled “10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser” by Amy Morin. According to this article here are 10 signs that you are a people pleaser:
- You pretend to agree with everyone.
- You feel responsible for how other people feel.
- You apologize often.
- You feel burdened by the things you have to do.
- You can’t say no.
- You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry with you.
- You act like the people around you.
- You need praise to feel good.
- You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
- You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.
I’ll admit that I am guilty of more than half (ok, almost all) of the things on this list. I’m not sure where this urge to make everyone around me comfortable and happy came from. It’s been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember. While I feel that wanting to make other people happy and comfortable isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can be a slippery slope towards people pleasing to the point that everyone is happy and comfortable..except you if you’re not careful. That is where boundaries come into play. I’ll stop here and let you know that I have by no means mastered the concept of placing boundaries but it is something that I work towards every day.
Boundaries can sometimes have a negative connotation and can be thought of as selfish (usually by the people that you enforce said boundaries with but I digress). Not only are boundaries NOT negative but they are so important and so very necessary. Without boundaries you will without a doubt find yourself feeling drained, tired, uncomfortable, unhappy, sad, and/or angry. I’ve felt every single one of the aforementioned feelings as a result of not having boundaries in place and not simply saying “No.” I promise ya’ll “no” really is a complete sentence.
Before I learned about the importance of setting boundaries, I couldn’t say no. I felt like if someone asked for something whether it was money, my time, or my presence at an event I was obligated to say yes. It didn’t matter if I was exhausted, not in a good mood, or if I just didn’t want to go, if I was asked I usually said yes. After I said “yes” I would call my mom and complain about how I didn’t want to do whatever I had just agreed to. I would even blame the person for asking like they should be a mind reader and just know that I didn’t want to go. One day my mom was like, “Why don’t you just tell them no? You don’t have to get into why if you don’t want to.” I think Oprah calls this an “a-ha moment?” It honestly had never occurred to me that I could just say no. I’m not going to lie. No is a very simple word but it’s not an easy thing to say if you are accustomed to saying yes for so long. Now, instead of being annoyed at being asked. I simply say “No” or “I’m not going to be able to make it/do it” if it is something that I’m just not feeling. I don’t offer an explanation. I just say no.
Not admitting when my feelings are hurt is one that I am still working on. Sometimes I do really well with this one and other times I don’t. I don’t like to make other people feel bad or uncomfortable so often times I just vent to my mom or a close friend and swallow whatever hurt I feel. So this one is still a work in progress but until I have mastered this one I have found a workaround. I recognize who I can talk to about what. Not everyone is going to be able to be what I need and that is ok. Some people are really great at giving relationship advice while others are better at giving career advice. I recognized that a lot of times people are only able to speak from where they are. So if someone is not in a good place in a particular area in their life they may not be able to speak to me on that particular topic in a way that is beneficial and healthy. While others, are able to give good, healthy advice no matter that they have or don’t have going on in their lives. Based on past experiences I limit the things that I talk to certain people about. If I don’t feel you are capable of talking about a certain subject without me walking away hurt than I just won’t talk to you about said subject anymore. Simple as that.
If having peace is one of your life goals like it is mine, you have to protect your peace. The best way I have found to do that is by setting boundaries. It’s not easy and takes a lot of practice but trust me it is so worth it.
