I’m going to preface this blog by saying that I’m going to step on my own toes (and probably yours too with this one.) I think that we have all been guilty of this a time or two in our lives. I know I have. I’ll be honest and admit that it wasn’t until I constantly found myself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice that I really began to give this some thought.
I think that most would agree that most of the time our intentions are good when we give advice (solicited or unsolicited). Someone trusts us enough to come to us with a problem and we want to help so we give advice. Sounds harmless right? It is when the advice is unsolicited that things get a little tricky and often times hurtful. Why? I’m glad you asked.
For starters, sometimes the person that comes to us just needs a listening ear to hear them vent and get things off their chest. They don’t want or need advice. At least not yet. Perhaps they aren’t ready for advice yet. Perhaps they never will be. They may just need to be heard and for us to simply listen.
Perhaps we aren’t very good at giving advice and that is why we weren’t asked for any. That may sound harsh but it is the truth. Some people aren’t good at giving advice on a certain subject because they aren’t able to speak past where they currently are in life to give valuable, non-biased advice. If you aren’t in a good place financially you may not be able to offer sound financial advice. Or if you just had your heart broken you may not be able to give your homegirl sound relationship advice until you’ve had time to heal. Some people have the gift of giving amazing advice regardless of where they are in life but unfortunately most don’t.
Or sometimes the person that is dealing with a situation already knows how they are going to handle the situation or perhaps they already have handled it. Us giving our unsolicited advice may cause them to second guess or doubt whether they made the right decision. This can end up causing that person more stress and confusion. And who needs that?
By now you may be thinking, well if someone doesn’t want advice they should just keep things to themselves. I hear you and I’ve definitely had that thought before. But is that really fair? Don’t you want the ones closest to you to be able to come to you if they need to vent or need a listening ear? I know I do. I’ll also let you know that I have tried that approach. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. If I know I don’t want advice about a certain subject or from a specific person I just don’t get into it around them. But that doesn’t always stop them from asking me about the subject that they don’t know I’ve deemed taboo. I’ve also flat out told people that I choose not to talk about a certain subject and they still ask. If you answer the question, most of the time unsolicited advice still follows whether you initiated the conversation or not.
What I recently decided I was going to begin doing when I was on the receiving end of a vent session was to ask the person if I can give them some advice or ask if they want my advice. Keeping in mind that they could always say no. If they do, I have to remind myself to not be offended. We all have strengths and different life experiences. It could be that you’ve never dealt with whatever they are going through or that particular topic is not your strength. I’ll be the first to tell my married friends not to listen to me because I’ll have them divorced. I’m not married and never have been so while a marriage is a relationship, the dynamics of marriage are completely different than the dynamics of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. So I wouldn’t be very good at giving someone advice if it deals with a marriage, something I have no experience in. You wouldn’t ask a broke person advice on how to be a millionaire would you? Sometimes it helps to talk about certain things with like-minded people, people who view the world the same way you do. Not because you want someone to tell you what you want to hear but so that you can get advice that is in line with your morals and values.
I’m by no means saying that you have to follow my advice (no pun attended) when it comes to giving advice but I hope that it will give you something to think about the next time someone comes to you. If you decide to give advice solicited or not, please try not to say, “If I were you I would/would have…” I could write another blog post on how much I hate when people say that to me. I think it’s perfectly fine to say that you were in a similar situation and that this is what worked for you but to tell someone what you would do if you were them is seldom helpful because you aren’t them and never can be. Our journeys in this thing called life are different because we are all different. Respect the journey that others choose for their life and be mature enough to realize that there is more than one way to get to a destination. And lastly, remember that words matter so be kind and thoughtful. Always. All ways.
